


Vulnerable

by ambroseashley



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Cutting, Depression, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Friends to Enemies, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Pregnancy, Sex, Teen Pregnancy, i love this fic if u could vote for it on phonic awards the would be amazing, i put lots of effort into this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:19:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5307206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambroseashley/pseuds/ambroseashley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>VSummary: teenage!phan. Phil got his girlfriend pregnant then she left him with the child and Dan is too kind to leave Phil to raise the child by himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Fake Enthusiasm

**Author's Note:**

> this series can be found on my tumblr, wafflelester/christmaswafflelester, or you can read it here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil goes to a party and forgets his condoms.

Summary: teenage!phan. Phil got his girlfriend pregnant then she left him with the child and Dan is too kind to leave Phil to raise the child by himself.

[queerdaniel](http://tmblr.co/mqrdq1A4CPLXMbsKVpekZhQ) needed someone to write this so I did.

Genre: Angst, (only this chapter, and it’s light I promise.)

Words: 1.4k (this chapter.)

Warnings: Mentions of sex

**TW: crying and being sad.  
**

The music was too loud, the light to dim but intimidating, shadows casting from the lack of it. Twisting words around so they didn’t make sense, Dan Howell everyone. He would say he hated parties but that would break his best friend’s, Phil’s, heart. He hated parties too but his girlfriend didn’t. Stupid girlfriend, you might say. She turned him into something he wasn’t, Dan stuck with him though. Phil was all Dan had, and before Indigo he was happy with that, he didn’t get bullied and he had the best friend in the world. 

Dan never knew where all the money came from to pay for parties came from, the bottomless chip bowls and endless polystyrene cups filled with god knows what. Orange juice? Alcohol? Coke? He knew there was a source of alcohol somewhere; everyone was drunk. He would usually make sure Phil had none. If it weren’t for Indigo he wouldn’t have touched alcohol until he was eighteen. Dan didn’t bother to go look for Phil; Indigo had him under close supervision. He only came to the party because Phil said he needed support since he never went to parties, and trust me, Dan wanted to help Phil, he would if Indigo could keep her hands off Phil for just a second.

Dan wandered out the door; Phil was probably going to go home with Indigo anyway. It wasn’t until Dan started driving home that he noticed Phil had forgotten the condoms he bought. That they bought _together._

Dan was losing’s his best friend, Phil, who was getting girls pregnant. Dan didn’t want to be friends with _that guy._

~

“I can’t believe I’m going to a party. It’s going to be so much fun!” Phil was lying on Dan’s bed, throwing a football up in the air and dropping it.

“Well, if you want to fit in, don’t say parties are going to be ‘so much fun!’” Dan walked over to the other end of his bed and sat down. “Are you sure you want to go, Phil? Because I don’t, I hate parties. You hate parties!”

“I’m sure they’re not that bad. Please come, I need you.”

“I’m sure you don’t…you’ve got Indigo.”

“No, I need you too. Indigo’s great, she’ll show me things, but you…I need you to help me if I fail at everything, like usual.”

“Don’t say that, Phil. You’ve got a girlfriend, look at me…single!”

“Indigo wants too…do it with me. The last time we did it was a month ago and her mum interrupted us…” Phil sat up and gave up trying to catch the football. Dan shuffled closer and hugged Phil.

“Phil, are you completely sure you want to?”

“Yeah. I think I love her, Dan. She’s…just amazing. And…Dan?” Dan looked up, willing his jealousy and tears to stay away. “Um…I was wondering if you could come with me…when I buy…the…you know?”

“No,” was all Dan could say without exploding.

“Condoms…can you buy them with me, I’ve never bought them before. Indigo found her _dads condoms_. That was kind of weird.”

“Er…sure.”

“Thanks, Dan. You’re the best. What would I do without you? Do you want to go now? The party’s in an hour.” Dan nodded and slipped on his converse. The pair walked out the door into the summery air, not yet summer, but more than spring. The sun was setting, concealing everything in golden light. The light reflected off Phil’s face perfectly, unlike what the light did for Dan; making him more hideous than he already was.

The pair walked into the pharmacy, not really knowing where to go. Dan wasn’t the one who got the condoms the last time he did the do, his boyfriend, Zac, bought them and Phil hadn’t even seen a box of condoms before.

“Can I help you, boys?” A small redhead whose nametag read Thea asked.

“Condoms.” Phil said. Dan and Thea looked horrified.

“They’re down in the last isle.” Dan pulled Phil down that isle.

“Phil!” Dan whisper-shouted. “You don’t ask for help when you buy condoms! You spork!” Phil giggled.

“Sorry.” They’re eyes met in a middle that no one could explain. They always did, before Indigo Dan had always planned on doing something about it, not taking away the special connection their eyes made but connecting other things like soft lips and smooth skin. Now Indigo was here the middle their eyes had was becoming inappropriate. Indigo had seen once, the first time Dan and Phil’s bitch of girlfriend had met. She had grabbed Phil’s chin and forced his lips onto hers. If it caused that much of a reaction they’re special middle must mean something, right? Probably not, Phil was seventeen now, lots of people find their soulmate in late high school… 

“How big are you?” Phil’s eyes widened and he blushed. “What? Did someone not think this through? When you asked me to come with you I thought you meant help.”

“I didn’t think this through. I just didn’t want to do this alone. I’m 187mm.” Dan mentally screamed.

“She’s a lucky girl.” Dan said before picking up a box of large. The boys walked up to the counter where Thea was serving them. The pair both got their wallets out. “I got this.” Dan didn’t care how gay that sounded.

“Have fun.” Thea smirked before they walked back to Dan’s house.

Phil resumed his position on Dan’s bed.

“That was so weird. I’m never buying condoms with you again.”

“Good. We should probably go. I really don’t want to do this.”

“Do it for me. Please.”

“Fine, you owe me.”

“Yes!” Phil unbuttoned his shirt and put on a black button up. He left his jeans on, (thankfully, Dan wouldn’t have been able to take Phil in underwear right now,) and adjusted his hair. “We’re taking your car, right?” Dan nodded and headed downstairs, the pit of dread in his mind and soul growing. The pair drove to Indigo’s house and Phil spotter Indigo right away. Phil jumped out and ran up behind her, lifting her up and spinning her around. Dan watched from afar, wishing Indigo would disappear into thin air. He wished he _was_ Indigo.

~

When Dan got home he expected his parents to be home but instead they had left a little note for Dan on the fridge.

_Hey, Dan._

_We’re out for the night, Chinese in the fridge and yes, Phil can stay the night. Have fun. We’ll be back well after midnight (at least 2am) and we expect you to be asleep by then._

_No drugs, no alcohol, and don’t answer the door if there is a stranger. Be safe, Diane and Tim xx_

Dan erupted into tears. He actually liked his parents sometimes; they made the house less lonely. Sometimes when Adrian was home they’d play games and talk and make jokes and it would be fun. He loved his parents and he would never want them to leave. Phil was out, _drunk,_ getting knocked up without condoms. He would probably find others somewhere, hopefully, and his parents where out doing whatever. Adrian was barely home, god knows what he was doing. He was all alone. When you looked at Dan you would think he liked being alone and going on the internet without being interrupted. Don’t get me wrong, Dan loved the internet, he just loved company and laughing with them. Something to distract him from the existential thoughts that drifted around his head. Dan opened his laptop and logged onto tumblr. His _private_ tumblr. Phil knew he had tumblr but even he wasn’t allowed to see it. Especially Phil. His tumblr was filled with stories about him and Phil and even his followers knew about his crush on Phil.

Hours later he was still on tumblr even though he was starving and cold. He knew if he went off tumblr the thoughts of Phil losing his virginity with Indigo would come flooding back, the last thing he wanted to think about.

“Dan!” It was only ten, Phil wouldn’t be back this early.  “Dan!? Please!” He heard sobs coming from the front room. Dan ran down the hall and found Phil curled up into a ball, sobbing into his knees. “I messed everything up, Dan. I failed completely.” Dan crawled down next Phil and hugged him. Phil buried his head in Dan’s chest.

“What happened?” Phil wiped his eyes and looked up at Dan. “Indigo’s pregnant. One month. I can’t believe I messed up on my _first time._ I’m so stupid. She told me and broke with me and, and…and she said that when the baby was born she said tha-that I had to take care of the baby… I can’t do that, Dan…” Phil couldn’t stop crying. Dan had to admit, Phil had messed up and even though he slightly wanted to leave Phil in this mess for all the things Phil had done to Dan, Dan couldn’t…he had to help Phil raise this child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally put 0 effort into my summaries oops


	2. What Comes Next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan wants to leave, but he just can't, and deep down he knows why he can't, but he's too scared to admit it.

“What do I do, Dan?” Dan sighed, not stopping to rub Phil’s back. By now Dan’s shirt was covered in Phil’s snot and tears. Dan’s itching skin could feel it, wanted to get away from it. Escape and run away from this screwed up sobbing mess. He was in love with this screwed up sobbing mess that treated him like shit. He wished he could leave and forget about Phil and his baby and _everything_. It would be easier, easier always seemed appealing to Dan. The easy work, the easy life. Would that make him happy? The narcissistic thoughts floated around Dan’s head as his _best friend_ cried.

“I don’t know, Phil. I don’t know.” Dan rested his head on the wall behind him.

“It’s all my fault.” Phil gripped tight onto Dan’s shirt, never wanting to let go. “I got a fifteen year old pregnant. FIFTEEN!” Phil yelled into Dan’s chest, his breath radiating off the clothed skin. “Look what I’ve done to your shirt. I’m really sorry, Dan.” Phil whispered, looking up and wiping his eyes.

“Phil…I’m here. Do you want to go have a bath?” Dan asked, empathetic. He never planned ever in his life to be empathetic; it was always ‘whoops, moving on.’ Never getting attached, never getting hurt like Phil was now. He screwed up this time.

“I don’t want you to leave.” Dan grabbed Phil’s hand and showed him the lock that their hands made.

“I’m never letting go.” Dan sighed again.

“Why do you keep sighing? Do you not want to be here?”

“I’m just tired.” Dan lied, he always lied but never to Phil.

“What am I going to tell my parents? They’ll hate me.”

“How about we go to my room and talk about it there? I’ll get some food.” Phil lifted up their intertwined hands.

“I’m coming.” The pair stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed the Chinese food from the fridge. “Thank you, Dan.”

“What for?” Dan asked as he put the food in the microwave.

“For not bailing. When we were a bit younger, about thirteen, you told me that just leaving everything was easier. If you left me now, it would be easier for you. Thank you for not bailing.” Dan remembered that one night when they were both overtired and not thinking straight.

~ _four years before ~_

“Hey, Phil? You know how your dad left your mum ‘coz she lied in court?”

“I don’t even get that.” Phil lay next to Dan on the grass outside Dan’s house. Dan played with the slightly damp green grass with his toes, thinking.

“I do.”

“How do you get it? It’s not your family!”

“No, but I do. I do get it. Your dad left your mum because he didn’t want to deal with her shit.”

“Oh…but if they really loved each other, my dad wouldn’t have left her.”

“Exactly. And then he broke your mum’s heart and everything collapsed on her. Your dad had it easy. That’s why he left. So he didn’t have to deal with her shit. If your mum hadn’t fallen in love then it would be better.”

“So you’re not ever going to fall in love?”

“Nope. It’s better that way. I don’t get hurt.”

“But being in love is nice. My mum said it was the best feeling in the world.”

“But you’re very vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable.”

“Sometimes you have to take risks.”

“I’m not falling in love, never getting hurt.”

“Does that mean if you were my dad you’d leave my mum?”

“I know it sounds mean, but…yes. Survival of the fittest.”

“More like survival of the cruelest… Do you love me? I’m your best friend. Would you leave me?”

Dan sighed. “I love you.”

“Is that bad?”

“A little bit.”

“Do you like loving me? Being my best friend?”

“Yes.”

“See. Being in love is nice.”

“Friends can’t be in love. We’re not in love.”

“So, you’d leave me?”

 

“If you really screwed up. You’re to perfect to screw up. Don’t worry, we’re young.”

“You’re young. You think about things like this, big things. Why?”

“I don’t know. It just happens.”

“Does it benefit you?”

“I learn things.”

“Like what?”

Dan turned his head to face Phil and his elegant blue, green and yellow eyes. “I’m bisexual.”

That shut Phil up.

~ _Now ~_

“Oh…”

“I know you want to leave. You want to leave and run far away.”

“No, I don’t.” Dan took Phil and the Chinese food to his room where they sat on the floor, leaning back on Dan’s bed. “Do you want to watch something?”

“Why don’t you leave me? You said if I screwed up…” Phil was practically asking Dan to leave now.(That doesn’t mean Dan should. There’s listening to instructions and then there’s common sense.) “I don’t get it.”

“American Horror Story?”

“I thought we were going to talk?”

“Or Deathnote?”

“DAN! I fucking got a girl pregnant! She’s two years younger than me! Why can’t you just be here for me? Oh, yeah. You don’t want to be here for me!” Phil left Dan’s room and walked to the front door. Out the front door. Dan didn’t even move as Phil left. Phil, his best friend walked out the door and left him. He screwed up this time. He wish he could turn back time and go back to when he was thirteen and didn’t have feelings for Phil, when he didn’t have to deal with shit. Phil was the only person Dan could talk to and Dan was the only the person Phil could talk to. Love was being vulnerable. Dan was in love and vulnerable and he hated that. Tomorrow was school. Maybe he could pull a sickie. That’s another thing Dan was good at, avoidance. Dan left the food and crawled into his bed, wrapping himself in the cold blankets. Drifting off to sleep. He couldn’t pull his mind away from Phil, Phil had hurt him in so many different ways. Phil didn’t even know Dan was hurting this much, he didn’t want Phil to know. And that was the unfair part, Dan always knew when Phil was sad or grumpy, and he always knew why. Dan took care of Phil and now he needed Phil to take care of him. But that couldn’t happen, Phil couldn’t know and he was hurting too, he’s gotten a girl pregnant and he was horrified. He just wished that he could talk to _someone.  
_

_It didn’t make Dan a attention seeking asshole, it made him stupid for thinking Phil wasn’t there for him.  
_

~

“You’re not sick, Dan!” Dan’s mum, Diane argued.

“But my tummy hurts.” Dan complained, gripping onto his stomach.

“I bet it doesn’t hurt as much as girls stomachs hurt every month. They still go to school even though they are at risk of humiliation.”

“Eww. Mum, please…I need to stay home!” Diane patted the spot next to her on the couch.

“I’ll let you stay home if you tell me what’s wrong.”

“My stomach hurts.”

“Daniel. Tell. Me. What’s. Wrong.”

“It’s a secret.”

“I won’t tell anyone. You’ll get to stay home.” Diane taunted.

Dan sighed and gave in. He could trust his mother…most of the time. “Phil got a girl pregnant. His girlfriend. And his girlfriend said in eight months when the baby is born she’s going to leave and leave _him_ with the baby.” Diane didn’t flinch or move at all.

“Ahh. Right. And you want to stay home because you want to talk to Phil who’s probably staying at home too?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that but I told you the secret and I’m staying home.” Dan got up but Diane pulled him back onto the couch. He didn’t want to be here, he wanted to stay in his room for at least a week. Then he could move on from Phil…who was he kidding, he couldn’t do that! He _loved_ Phil. He loved Phil more than anything in this world. Shit.

“You don’t want to help Phil, do you? You’re hiding and not facing it because you can’t run away. You love Phil.”

“No. I just…I…I just want to stay home. Okay?”

“You don’t like it when I read your mind.”

“You haven’t read my mind. Can I stay home?”

 

“If you admit that you love Phil, platonically or not, and you can’t leave him with the baby because you love him.”

“How do you know these things? All I told you was he got a girl pregnant.”

“I know you like not caring and not getting hurt. Living easily. By now you would have gone to school and just ignored Phil…but you won’t go to school because you can’t ignore Phil because you love him. Plus there was two bowls of food in your room, full bowls. And you were crying last night. I heard you crying, Dan. That’s how I know. My baby is hurting and I need you to be okay.”

“Fine. I love Phil… _platonically._ I just…yeah okay. I can’t be bothered to say what you just said but you’re right. Can I stay home?”

Diane kissed the top of Dan’s head. “No.”

“Fucking hell! Phil’s probably grounded anyway.”

“Language! You can stay home if you clean the kitchen and call Phil.” Dan groaned.

“I’ll clean the kitchen but I’m not calling Phil.”

“No. You’re calling Phil. Call him before I go out or I’ll call him for you. I have to go to work in an hour. I’m going to have a shower and I expect you to be on the phone to him when I’m done.” Dan nodded and got up. “Call him on my phone, he’ll pick up that way.” Dan got up, slowly. Taking as much time to get Diane’s phone. How this helps I have no idea…

Dan dialed the number and was greeted with Phil’s beautiful voice. It was a very soothing voice, Dan almost forgot why didn’t want to hear it. “Hello Mrs. Howell, what is it?”

“It’s me…mum made me call you.” Diane gave Dan a dirty look before heading to the shower.

“Oh…” Silence filled the line. The trickling of the shower echoed around the room.

“I’m sorry, Phil.”

“It hurts to say that, doesn’t it?” Dan nodded, knowing Phil couldn’t see him but remained silent. Phil laughed, angry. Dan hated that, laughing was meant to be happy, but people laughed when they were angry. “So…you called me because your mum told you too. Not because your best friend is hurting and needs you? You can really be a dick sometimes.”

“I’m sorry, Phil.”

“Is that all?”

“Sometimes I don’t understand you, Phil. You just say that you need me even though I could just reject you completely. How could you just put yourself out there with the fear of getting hurt and rejected?”

“I know you won’t just completely reject me. It’s called trust, Howell.”

“How do you know I won’t reject you?”

“I don’t know. I just do and that’s enough for me…most of the time.”

“Most of the time?” Dan was smiling now, he was happy. Puzzled but happy. It seemed talking to Phil made him that way.

“Sometimes when I really care about the person I _have_ to know. It shows you care. You care, Dan. You say you don’t but you do.”

“Yeah. Okay. Fine. So, you need me?”

“More than anything.”

“You want to come over?”

“Yeah. Could you say _that thing_ one more time?” Phil teased.

“I’m sorry, Phil.”

~ _nine years before_ ~

“Why don’t you like saying sorry, Dan?” Phil asked, as the movie finished. He grabbed the popcorn bowl and put it on his lap, letting Dan take some.

“I don’t know.”

“You must know. You always think about stuff.”

“I don’t know what words to use to say it. It doesn’t feel good when you say it.”

“It’s called swallowing your pride, a thing Dan can’t do.” Diane interrupted.

“But I always say sorry. It feels fine.”

“Maybe that’s ‘coz you don’t mean it?”

“No! I always mean it.”

“Maybe you don’t have any pride?” Phil frowned and leaned on Dan.

“How do I get some pride?”

“I don’t know, Phil. I think you were born without any.” That hurt Phil.

“That hurt, Dan.”

“Do you want a hug?” The eight year olds hugged and put on another movie.

_Phil was always one for saying his feelings. Dan wouldn’t ever tell anyone what hurt him and what made him sad. It made him vulnerable.  
_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay next chapter next week


	3. Not Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally tells Phil that he wants to help him raise the baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops i said id post next week oh look im four days early oops, (and sorry if I've made any grammar/sentence structure mistakes.)

The awkward silence that became present as soon as Dan answered the door stuck with them the entire day. Even when music or the TV was playing, it felt silent. Awkward silent, sorry silent, silent. Oh, how Dan wanted it to go away, but there was a major problem floating above their heads, it felt like it hit Dan the most but he was just selfish. It covered their happy time and even thinking of good memories still brought them to the fact that Phil’s ex girlfriend was pregnant.

 

“Dan…” Phil paused the anime they were watching. “I’m not happy.” Phil snuggled closer to Dan. “Really, really, really unhappy.” Dan pulled Phil closer and began to rub his back. Again, Phil was just exposing himself to Dan, making himself vulnerable. Phil was right though, Dan would never reject him.

 

“I’m here.” Dan whispered.

 

“Thank you.” Phil sniffed as a tear ran down his cheek.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil burst into tears, once again sobbing on Dan’s shirt. “D-Dan…thanks.” Phil sat up a bit still holding onto Dan’s shirt, giving him a little bit of grounding, remembering someone cared. Dan noticed and took Phil’s hand into his own, trying to comfort Phil. “Indigo told her parents…they hate me. S-she told them her plan to leave the baby with me…th-they said that they had to meet me first because if I’m r-responsible enough t-to take care of the b-baby.” Phil wasn’t really making sense and was breaking the laws of grammar but even though Dan was bit of a grammar nazi, he didn’t interrupt or say anything because Phil was hurting. Phil was so broken…this would take a toll on his whole life. If Dan were Phil he wouldn’t have been able to take it, the weight of being responsible for a

human life would be to much. “If I’m not good enough then they’ll kill it. They can do that, Dan. She’s only one month along. The sex wasn’t even that good I mean her parents saw it-“

 

“Shhh. Lets not get into details about the sex. Do you want to take care of it?”

 

“I-I don’t know…that’s a real human life that _I_ created! I need too see it… I’d love to have children Dan but I’m in school and I can’t and-and I can’t, it’ll be so hard, I can’t, Dan…I can’t take it! Please, Dan. Please…” Phil didn’t know what he wanted; he didn’t know why he was saying please. Maybe begging for a way out was the only way to handle it. “I didn’t even really love her she was just a girlfriend…I just wanted to get a girlfriend so I wasn’t a virgin and we could be non virgins together… I just wanted to be a little cool…I didn’t want this!”

 

“Oh, Phil.”

 

“I’m so stupid! God! I deserve less than you, you’re the best and I love you and you’re just so great…god I’m so lucky to have you.”

 

“I love you too, Phil.” It hurt Dan to say that, to even think about saying those words to Phil…or never saying them at all. “I heard that singing makes you happy…I know that right now nothing could really make you truly content but it does make you feel better. Crying does too but my shirt really isn’t taking any benefit.” Phil wiping his eyes and released Dan’s wet shirt. “I’m going to put on another shirt.”

 

“Wait. Can I come with you? I just want to be with someone right now…” Phil blushed, his tear-stained cheeks glowing red.

 

“Sure. Just with anyone or me?”

 

“You.” Butterflies fluttered in Dan’s tummy. What was a simple gesture of true friendship Dan turned into some stupid crush thing.

 

Dan held out his hand and led him into Dan’s bedroom. Dan threw on another shirt before taking Phil’s hand and sitting him down on his grey and black duvet. “So…how about some singing?” Phil nodded and smiled, forgetting about Indigo. Dan put his songs on shuffle and a Panic! song popped up. He didn’t know the title but he definitely knew the lyrics. They listened to the song for a bit before Dan starting singing loudly. “Don’t you seeeeeee? That I’m the narrator and this is just the prologue!” Dan waited a bit for Phil to join in.

 

“Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen while we’re still so young and desperate for attention and I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives!” They both sung, completely happy and content. They listened for a bit until Dan piped up.

 

“This is my favourite bit! Here!” Phil knew exactly what Phil was talking about and sung along with Brendon’s voice.

 

“Just for the record, the weather today is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of A: indifference or B: disinterest in what the critics say!” The song finished and Camisado started playing, Dan turned in down to talk to Phil.

 

“See, you’re happy now!” Phil shrugged his shoulders and continued to sing. Dan sung as well, not really paying attention but forming a plan in his head.

 

“This is the scent of dead skin on linoleum floor! This is the scent of quarantine wings in hospital, it’s not so pleasant and it’s not so conventional! It sure as hell isn’t normal but we deal, we deal!” Dan turned down the volume again and tried to talk to Phil.

 

“Phil. Can I just propose a plan? Please?” Phil nodded and lay down on Dan’s bed in the same position he was last night.

 

“Okay. Also thanks, I’m feeling much better.”

 

“Well. Since I’m your best friend maybe I could be Adult B…for the baby. You’re Adult A and I could be Adult B. It’d just be way easier for you since we both have school and my mum can take the baby sometimes and…well, I’d like to take care of the baby, I’ve always wanted to be a dad.” The last part took Dan by surprise but he knew it was true.

 

“So you’re are saying that you want to be the other parent? You want to be a parent with me? I’d love that…it’s just…we would look so gay!” That’s what he’s worried about? _Looking gay?_ Looking like a gay couple? Really? He has a _child_ in his hands for fucks sake!

 

“Fuck you and your straight ass! Why are you so afraid of looking gay? I’m bi! I look like I’m gay all the time, suck it up princess and let me help!” Dan put on a joking tone, but he really wasn’t joking at all.

 

“Oh, sorry, Dan. I forgot…”

 

“And you’d say stuff like that without a care if I was straight? Phil, you’re my best friend but you can be really disrespectful sometimes.”

 

“I’m really sorry, Dan. I was being a jerk. I really appreciate what you’re doing, that’s actually amazing, thank you.”

 

“So, maybe…when you meet Indigo’s parents I could come and be the other parent. There is a higher chance of them not killing the baby if there is a pair.”

 

“They’re homophobic.”

 

“But we’re not gay for each other, we are just really good friends. Also, you’re amazing too because…just because,” Dan smiled, lying down next to Phil.

 

“Maybe I should call her and tell her…her parents won’t like it if you just show up…” Dan nodded, nervous about speaking to Indigo, he hated her, and now she was pregnant she’ll be even more of a bitch. Can’t blame her though. Phil got out his phone and called her on speaker.

 

“Oh, hey, Phil.”

 

“Um…hey. How are you?” Phil shuffled, clearly uncomfortable.

 

“Well packing is a bore and it’s even worse when you constantly need to go to the toilet.”

 

“Packing?” Phil asked, they couldn’t be leaving this soon.

 

“Yeah, we’re moving all my things to a house near Glasgow, Scotland. I’ll be staying in an apartment with my mum until the baby’s born, then when I get to Glasgow all my things will be ready and fine and I can move on with my life.”

 

“But what if the baby isn’t born?”

 

“I’m still moving, just sooner. Can’t wait to get out of this shit town.”

 

“Oh…”

 

“What’d you want anyway? You can’t be calling just to see how I am.”

 

“Well, you know how your parents wanted to meet me…make sure I’m good enough?”

 

“Yeah…I doubt you’ll meet their standards.”

 

“Do you remember Dan?”

 

“Oh, what? That nerd? Yeah, he’s shit! You deserve better tbh.” Phil’s eyes widened as he took Dan’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

 

“I wouldn’t want to insult your baby’s new dad!”

 

“What the hell?!”

 

“Well, Dan and I are going to raise the baby…together. We’re not gay or anything. He just wanted to help me.” Dan sighed at the gay comment.

 

“He’s basically gay. I bet he has a crush on you! Yeah, I can totally see that.”

 

“Shut up! I was just thinking, since Dan will be adult B maybe your parents would want to meet him?”

 

“I don’t know…lemme go ask them, this might take a while.” They heard the phone being put down and footsteps.

 

“Phil…” He didn’t know why, but Dan felt compelled to tell Phil how much he loved this messed up boy, this little innocent boy who had gotten a girl pregnant.

 

“Yeah, Dan?” Their eyes met again, drawn to each other. They were all alone, it was almost like they could… _kiss._

 

“Um…” Dan’s eye’s welled up. _Stop, stop, stop!_ Dan turned around and faced the ceiling. “Nothing.”

 

“It’s obviously something, Dan. Do you not want to do it?”

 

“No, no. It’s fine.”

 

“Dan! Stop lying to me and tell me what’s going on!” And for a second he was going to spill, bubble over with emotions, they were going to be dads for goodness sake.

 

“Okay, I told my parents and they said they wanted to speak to Dan. My parents are on the line now.” Oh god, Dan was nervous.

 

Phil went silent. “Hello, this is Indigo’s parents. I’m Sally and this is Bill. What’s your name?”

 

“My name’s Dan…”

 

“And why are you going to raise the baby with Phil?”

 

“Because he’s my best friend…we’ve known each other since we were six, that eleven years. And because he needs help, he’s still in school and plans to stay there.”

 

“What about you, Dan? Are you in school?”

 

“Yes, I’m in year eleven with Phil. I’m pretty sure I’ll be staying in school and I have plans to go to university.”

 

“Completely sure is better than ‘pretty sure,’ Dan.” Bill chimed in, it was sort of sweet, making sure Dan stayed in school. Of course they cared about their daughter’s parents, they were the grandparents.

 

“Too right.”

 

“So I think we might cancel that dinner, with you two, I think showing the baby the friendships are as just as important as romantic ones is great. I can’t believe two friends are going to raise a baby,” you could almost smell Sandra’s white rose perfume leaking through the phone.

 

“So that means we’ll keep it?” Dan sprung to life, overly excited.

 

“Of course!” Bill and Sandra chimed. “Goodbye.”

 

“Bye!” Dan hung up the call and squealed! “Eeee! Phil! Phil! Oh my god!” Dan hugged Phil, Dan excitedness and spirit rubbing off on Phil. “I think we can do it, Phil. I really think we can.” Phil nodded into Dan shoulder, his deodorant invading his nose.

 

“I know I’m meant to be happy, and believe me, I am but you never told me what you were going to say that made your eyes well up.”

 

“That doesn’t matter, Phil! We’re going to be parents together!”

 

“I don’t want to be a parent with someone who lies.” Phil, said regretting saying it but meaning every word.

 

“I’m sorry, Phil…it’s just…” _Do I tell him?_ “I just…I was just really sorry about last night and I didn’t know how to _really_ say it. I wanted to do something else for you…” The lies spilled out of Dan’s mouth and he didn’t exactly regret it.

 

“Oh…well I haven’t been to Nandos in while?”

 

“It’s on me!” Dan jumped up, trying to forget how much Phil would hate him for lying. Phil sighed, hoping it was a bit more than a sorry lunch he would be getting. He didn’t know what he wanted from Dan, but what he was getting now wasn’t enough.

 

~

 

_Tune in next time for more of Dan being a jerk._


	4. Bromances. or maybe more?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan tells Diane, etc. about being adult B

His soft breaths and the small rises and falls of his chest was enough, enough to live with, enough to keep anyone going, enough to keep anyone asleep. Dan was possibly the luckiest person alive because he was right next to him, this miracle wonder of small breaths and soft words. He didn’t know how Dan had managed to get so close to Phil, he started sleeping on one side of the bed and suddenly Phil had an arm under him pulling closer. What was worse was Dan had an arm wrapped around Phil’s waist. Their legs were in a tangle and Phil’s lips were slightly parted, Dan could just go and kiss them…Phil wouldn’t know. Dan decided to play it safe and not, but a small kiss on the nose couldn’t hurt… Dan brought his lips up to Phil soft beak like nose, (Dan thought it to be beautiful though,) and kissed the tip. Nervous at first but it all melted away when it was finished, even though it was only a peck and on the nose Dan loved it and went in for another, this time on the cheek. Dan fell asleep soon enough, not thinking about how close they were. Diane popped her head around the door and saw the position they were in…and you have to admit it looked like they were together…or at least shared a ton of love.

~

Dan opened his eyes and at first was surrounded by bliss and just plain being in love. He snapped into reality when he saw his arm keeping Phil close. He panicked and slowly removed his arm and tried to shuffle away without waking Phil. He failed, as usual. Phil opened his eyes and saw Dan sliding away.

“Dan…come back here.” Phil was half asleep and just wanted that source of warmth back.

“I can’t…” Dan whispered without Phil hearing.

“What did you say, Dan? Come back, it’s cold.” Dan gave in and slid back into Phil’s arms.

‘Friends don’t do this. This is over the line. I like it anyway. Fuck. ’

Dan thought as he wrapped himself around Phil. Soon enough both boys were asleep again, it was only seven, what do you expect.

“Hey, Boys!” Diane yelled an hour later. “School starts in fifty minutes! Wake up!” Dan scrambled out of bed, extremely panicked as he’d already missed his morning detention.

“Shit.”

“Language!” Diane yelled as she walked out of the room.

“I don’t want to go to school.” Phil groaned, pulling up the blankets over his head. “I slept surprisingly well, last night was awful. I couldn’t get my brain to shut up.” Dan felt guilty, that was his fault. And tonight…he slept ‘well.’ Was it Dan that made him feel that way?

“Me too.”

~

“I’ve got History?” Dan said, hopeful Phil had the same. He knew he didn’t but just maybe…

“Humanities.” Dan sighed and bid his goodbye, heading for his first period class. The day was a complete bore, he was snail, traveling class to class, time was like snail. He took no notes, answered no questions, handed no homework in. Just waited until he saw Phil again. He did find himself day dreaming about Phil…and the things they would do together…he even found himself covering his crotch…oops. The last bell went Dan felt like all the blood left his body, all the muscles had been removed from his body, yet he could run and run and run. He ran all the way to the front of the school and waited for Phil. He wouldn’t leave without Phil. It had seemed that over the past day, (it felt a lot longer,) he and Phil had gotten much closer, much, much closer. Phil had cried and soaked two of his shirts, they had slept very close…very close. And benefited from it. Dan didn’t know how much he had fallen for Phil over the last day…before it seemed like a crush, now he felt in love. It had only been a day It had been twenty minutes and Phil still wasn’t there… Dan checked his phone. No messages. What happened? Dan messaged Phil, would he leave without him? Hey, where are you? Dan waited a couple minutes. No response. He tried calling. “Hello, Dan.” Phil’s mum answered. Shit, Ms Lester hated Dan…

“Um…hi. Um, where’s Phil?”

“He’s grounded.”

“I need to talk to him,” Dan pleaded with the gods of everything, of every religion, that he could talk to Phil.

“Oh, did you get a girl pregnant too?”

“No, but you don’t understand!”

“Phil got a girl pregnant, now she is going to leave him with it. He’s grounded.”

“But that’s not all!”

“Well why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on?!”

“I’m adult B. I’m going to help him raise the child.”

“Phil’s straight.”

“We’re raising the child as friends!”

“Hahaha! Yeah right!” Dan could tell Ms Lester was angry, it was the angry laugh that he hated.

“But I’m adult B! I need to talk to Phil!” Dan was determined now, he started to walk to Phil’s house. “Please!”

“No. That’s it Dan. Phil has no phone. I’m picking him up from school everyday, he has dinner at six, bed at eight. No friends, no parties. Nothing.” “How long?” “Well he might need to take the baby places… he’s grounded for as long as he stays in this house. When the baby is born it won’t be as strict.”

“But don’t I get to talk to him? I’m the other parent!”

“Indigo’s the other parent.”

“She’s moving to Glasgow. It’s just Phil, he needs me. I’m filling in for Indigo.”

“Fine. You can come on Sundays and maybe Fridays. You can come if it’s urgent.”

“It’s urgent now!” Dan said, running up their driveway and knocking on their door.

“Fine.” The door opened Dan ran past Phil’s mum and upstairs into Phil’s bedroom.

“Phil!” Dan found Phil curled up on his bed. Dan closed the door and hopped up onto the bed. “Phil?” Phil took Dan’s soft hand in between his own.

“I hate this.”

“I know. Me too.” Dan sighed and started to rub circles onto Phil’s hand.

“I don’t hate you though.” Phil looked up and smiled. “Do you think you can stay over? I’m not usually this clingy, I just need you.”

“I don’t mind. I hope I can stay over. Maybe I could take you over to my place…we could pretend to be telling your mum about it and then we can’t get home and bam! You’ll be sleeping at my house.”

“Please.” Phil sat up and started to pack a bag.

“Can you ask my mum?” Dan nodded and bounced down the stairs.

“Hey, Ms Lester?”

“Yes, Dan?” Ms Lester asked. “I was wondering if Phil and I could go over to my house and maybe tell my parents…I don’t want to do it alone…and Phil and I are doing this together…please?”

“Go ahead. Why do I even bother and try to punish Phil.”

“I think him having to raise a child is enough of a punishment.” Dan mumbled, Ms Lester didn’t hear.

~

“What? Adult B? Dan you can do this!” Diane pulled Dan away from a little scared Phil and outside in the backyard. “Dan…you can’t do that! This doesn’t seem like you at all! Phil must be an amazing boy, you must love him a lot if you’re doing this for him.”

“Mum! I love him platonically!”

“I think I’ve had enough of that word.”

“Yeah? Get used to it! He’s straight, anyway.” That last part saddened Dan.

“He’s only seventeen, people who are in there forties are still figuring out their sexualities. Phil’s always seemed a bit queer too me.”

“Mum, shut up. Phil and I aren’t going to get together. Enough said.” Dan wandered inside. His throat clenched and he felt awful…as much as he couldn’t admit liking Phil, saying that would never happen pained him just as much. “I wasn’t finished!” Diane pulled Dan back.

“Are you sure? Completely sure? That’s not a small pet, that’s a human. The rest of your life! There won’t be any time for being young or being drunk. Even though I advise against it.”

“For Phil.”

~

“Hey, Mum.” Phil greeted his mum. The pair had told Diane and so far it hadn’t been too bad. Now it was time to convince Ms Lester to let Phil stay the night.

“Hello, Phil.”

“Hey…um…it’s kinda late and Dan’s mum has invited me to stay for dinner…can I stay?” Ms Lester sighed,

“yes…god, I’m bad with punishments.” You could hear her hopelessness through the phone. “Love you.”

“Love you too. See you after school.”

“See you after school.”

~  

Dan and Phil ended up in the same position they did last night, no shame in bromances. Or maybe more. They were in that position most nights, it was hard under Ms Lester’s punishment but they made it. They made it together.

~


	5. maybe not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil makes a decision he never thought he would make, but he knows its for the best. he just can't work like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this had a weekly schedule but then i gave up... but i promise there will be a chapter every week.. idk what day though.

  
It’s been a month. 

A month of soft fingers and steady breathes fluttering around Dan’s bedroom. A month of that soft voice circling around Dan’s head, driving him insane. 

How could he not tell him? How had he not spilt? 

How had it been a month?

A month gone by so quickly, a month that turned into two months, a month that into three.

Three months. 

It had been three months. 

How? 

~ 

“Is…she going to go to the thing…the ultrasound…with you?” Dan asked, breathless. 

It was PE, one of the only classes he and Phil shared. They both hated it, Dan more though Phil made it ten times better. Every spoken and non spoken word sending butterflies (more like moths,) into his tummy, making him unable to form coherent sentences.

That was another thing, 

Dan’s growing crush on Phil. 

Dan couldn’t believe he could love someone this much, god, he loved him. He really loved him. 

Completely

Head over heels

Utterly

In love

With 

Phil Lester. 

Usually he would back away from Phil, get away before it was too late. 

But the truth was…it was too late. 

“Um, maybe. It would be good to see my baby…my actual baby. I still can’t believe I’m having a child,” Phil breathed, looking out into the abyss, (it wasn’t really ‘abyss,’ it was just a bunch of well exercised guys running around a football field…that slightly turned Dan on.)

“Oh…okay. It would be good to see your baby.” Dan was a bit disappointed that Phil hadn’t called the child, ‘our baby.’

“Sorry, our baby. Our baby. Thank you so much, Dan. You’ve done so much for me, how could I ever repay you?” Phil chuckled.

Kiss me.

Dan smiled, “It’s fine. I’ve always wanted to be a dad.”

“Well, your wish has come true. You are a dad. Congratulations to us, the dads,” Phil sounded slightly annoyed, which bothered Dan quite a lot, considering he needed to know everything about Phil. 

“Are you okay? You sound annoyed or something. Is anything bothering you?”

“Well, I’m going to be a dad, Dan. Not like you, a proper dad. A biological dad, Dan!”

“That doesn’t really matter, whether it’s biological or not. It’s about the position and what they do that makes them the dad. Some people don’t have dads, biological ones sure, but not real proper dads.”

“You’re just jealous you can’t be the proper father, Dan. I can read you like an open book.”

Oh, how he was so wrong. So, so, so wrong.

Tears prickled at Dan’s eyes, he doesn’t know a thing about Dan! He’s  the proper father, they’re the proper fathers!

“You’d be surprised.”

“I don’t think so, Dan.”

“No, Phil! I know things about myself that you don’t! You don’t know everything about me, Phil! Don’t just assume that I’m so open, because I’m not! I have problems, Phil! You don’t even notice when something is wrong, you just assume you know everything and that I’m fine! Well, guess what, Phil! I’m not fucking fine!” Dan snapped. He ran off before Phil had a chance to see the tears pouring down his face. Dan’s outburst got Phil thinking, and he was right, he never asked how he was or if he was okay. He just thought about himself and the baby.

It wasn’t like Dan was going to tell Phil anything anyway.  
Dan ran into the dressing rooms, crashing into an empty cubical and sinking down the wall, curling up into a ball and sobbing into his knees. 

“Dan?” Phil’s voice echoed around the empty dressing room. “Dan? I’m really sorry, Dan. Please come out.” Phil walked around before finally stopping at the locked cubical, Dan’s little sniffs flowing through Phil’s ears. “Dan, Please?” Phil waited for a couple of minutes, Dan’s sniffing the only thing breaking the silence. Before Phil could say anything more, (he had planned on sliding under the door,) Dan opened the small wooden door and revealed himself, a tear stained face and a squashed up body dressed in shit gym clothes, slightly shaking. “Oh, god. Dan, I’m so sorry.”

Dan had burst, he had spilt, but not in the way everyone thought. The hiding, the hopelessness, everything about his Phil drove him insane and he burst. 

And he didn’t know what to do with his pieces he had left everywhere. 

How could he clean up this mess?

Dan hid his face in his hands as Phil sat next to him and wrapped his arm around Dan’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Phil. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that… I just…”

“No, no. I’m the one who should be sorry, you had no one to vent too and I should have been there. Now…do you want to talk about it?” Dan laughed.

“It’s funny…I can’t tell you, Phil. I wish I could and I wish everything could be perfect but it’s not, and I can’t tell you. I’m sorry for complaining and drawing attention when I can’t even say anything.”

“Oh…but, Dan. You can tell me anything, I won’t tell anyone and I won’t do anything nasty like that,” Phil whispered, taking another of Dan’s hands.

“I really want to tell you…actually no, I don’t. I can’t…I’m really sorry, Phil. I swear I’ll stay the same and eventually everything will be okay…hopefully.”

“Whatever it is, Dan, you have to tell me. It’s obviously something big and we’re probably going to be spending the rest of lives together, Dan, I need to know.”

“I can’t. You think keeping secrets from each other will ruin us, but trust me, if you know, you’ll never look at me the same again. Can we just continue how we were before and just forget about this? Please?” Dan pleaded, his chocolate brown eyes meeting Phil’s fucking-five-thousand-coloured ones.

“Will it make you happy?” Phil asked.

Dan paused, “Yes…” he said, unsure.

~

“Hey!” Dan answered the phone with a spring- Phil hadn’t been able to go home with Dan that Friday night so it had been two days since they had last spoken and Dan was very pleased that they finally got to speak. 

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“Fine.”

“I want a proper answer, please.” Ever since the small fight they boys had, Phil had always wanted a proper answer longer than fine when he asked how was Dan. 

“Um…well, Adrian started Basketball and he and I have been kind of learning together, that’s been fun. Oh, and Mum and Dad are going away for the night…tonight actually,” Dan finished his sentence smirking. He had dreamt about he and Phil having sex tonight while all alone in the house…

“Oh, cool. I’ll come over tonight then?”

“Yeah, sure.” That would never happen. They would never have sex.

“Um, but one more thing…”

“Hmm?”

“Well…the ultrasound…it’s tomorrow. And my mum said…that your mum would agree…”

“Spit it out.”

“Well, my mum kind of wants you too come to the ultrasound. I think she’s beginning to like you, now. She told Indigo and her parents that you were coming so you kind of have to come, now. Soz.”

“Don’t say ‘soz,’ Phil. It’s fine, it’s fine. I’ll go, sometimes it’s nice to be including.”

“Was that it? Was I not being inclusive enough? Am I being inclusive now?”

“Phil, calm down. It’s fine. Great! Don’t worry about it.”

“But I can’t stop thinking about it! Dan…please…”

“I’m in love with you.”

“It’s nothing, it’s gone now. I was just overreacting.”

“Oh…okay.” Phil ended the phone call and started packing a bag for the night. “Muuuum?” Phil yelled, hopping down the stairs and into the kitchen, Ms Lester was always in the kitchen.   
“Yes, dear?”

“Can I go stay at Dan’s for the night? Then I could take Dan to the ultrasound,” Phil asked, knowing what the answer would be.

“Sure. You know, you’re supposed to be grounded. I thought this time I could really do it, really be strict,” Ms Lester sighed. 

“Isn’t me having to raise a child enough of a punishment?” Phil asked.

“I suppose you’re right. So you’re taking Dan? I suppose that would be a good idea.” Phil had lied. 

Of course.

He…why did he lie? Why couldn’t he of just tell Dan he wanted him to come? 

“Phil?” Ms Lester snapped Phil out of his daze.

“Hm?”

“That punishment, the groundedness. It’s over, I tried I guess. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow?” Phil nodded before heading out the door. 

~

It was that position again. 

That heart warming position. 

Phil resting on the couch with his legs in front of him and Dan sitting so close he was practically on top of him. Dan lay his head on Phil’s shoulder just as The Avengers finished. Dan didn’t move and Phil didn’t move. At first. 

Phil got up to put on another movie before Dan stopped him. 

“What are we doing? Watching movies when we have the whole house to ourselves? We should do something else!” Phil turned around met Dan’s eyes. Dan was still slumped and didn’t plan on moving however Phil was up and ready to go. Well not ready to go, ready to put on another movie. He was planning on ignoring Dan and just putting on another movie, and he really did try, but something kept him staring. Staring straight at Dan’s eyes for longer than planned.

Eyes

Met

In

A 

Middle.

Phil leaned down so his face was inches away from Dan’s, his eyes couldn’t stop swimming in Dan’s eyes and vice versa. 

And so it happened. The inevitable. 

They kissed. Short and sweet, but incredible and unbelievably right.

They both didn’t realize that it had happened, that it needed to happen. Phil put on another movie and they continued to watch. 

What did happen?

The boys retired to Dan’s bed, not speaking. They got on each side, like always, but they knew that they would end up in each other’s arms by morning.

“Dan?” Phil whispered after a couple of minutes of dark silence. Dan didn’t answer. “Dan? You can’t give me the silent treatment! You did it too!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dan whispered, determined to get Phil to shut up. 

“We kissed god dammit! You can’t just ignore that!”

“Why not?” 

“Because…’cause…I don’t know! It meant something, Dan!”

“It didn’t mean anything!” Dan yelled, turning over. “It was just the right moment! Lets just forget about it! You’re straight, lets just move on.”

“But…Dan. What did that mean?” Phil was pushing Dan’s temper and patience.

“It meant nothing god dammit! Enough said, I’m going to sleep,” Dan yelled one last time before turning over again and falling asleep.

~

Of course. Of fucking course. Dan’s gone.   

Phil woke up alone, but he couldn’t help notice that he had been tucked in nicely, a lot more snuggly than when he went to sleep last night. Dan wasn’t that mad at him that much…hopefully. Phil walked out into the kitchen to see Diane sitting on the couch watching Breakfast News. 

“Good morning, Phil,” Diane greeted Phil, “do you want some breakfast?”

“Um…maybe later, I can get it. Wait, I thought you were away for the night?”

“I came back two hours ago, at nine.”

“Oh… Where’s Dan?”

“I saw him go to the bathroom. He’s in a bad mood, I think I know why.”

“Why?”

“He’s becoming vulnerable.” Diane didn’t outright say it, and out of context it sounded like some clue, but Phil got it. Sort of. Actually no, that made no sense to Phil, but it did make sense to Dan who was listening to their conversation through the thin bathroom wall.

“Oh…”

“I know you don’t get it, and I really want to tell you, I think it would be best if I did…”

“I’m so sick of secrets! Dan kind of had a breakdown…he just started yelling about how he had no one to talk to so I told him to talk to me but he said he couldn’t tell me! Is it that? The thing he couldn’t tell me?” Dan had to get in there before it all unraveled. 

“Phil! Um, we should probably get going, huh? The shower is free, and if you don’t want to be late I suggest getting in there!” Phil hurried off before Diane could say anything more. 

“Why are you being so mean to that boy?” Diane asked, angry. “You’re toying with him like he’s nothing. He tells you everything! He does everything for you! And here you are throwing him around like an old ragdoll! Dan, you can’t do this to him any longer! Just leaving him, not telling him something that upsets you. He cares for you and you’re making him worried! He has no idea what’s going on, you’re talking behind his back! Please don’t do this to him anymore. You can’t cuddle him and be super nice to him one minute and that act like he’s the worst person in the world the next minute. I know I can’t force you but…do the right thing.” Dan was silent. He couldn’t tell Phil. 

~

“I’m ready!” Phil shouted as he walked out of the hallway and into the lounge. His hair was still damp and his jeans seemed tighter today, (was that even possible?) and oh god, he was wearing a quite tight plaid shirt today. 

Why was he so hot?

“Um, cool. Lets go.”

~

It hurt, it hurt Phil. He had no idea what Dan and Diane were talking about. Diane was clearly upset about something that Dan was keeping from Phil. It was so complicated. But it hurt so much to know that Dan was keeping something so big from Phil. He thought that they told each other everything? Wrong. He thought it was nothing, he thought the secret was nothing. Wrong. Dan had hurt him so much. He wanted to cry, burst into tears and forget about Dan. Stupid Dan. He wanted to kill Dan just about as much as he wanted to know what Dan was keeping from him. 

Phil couldn’t raise his child with a boy who kept important secrets and threw him around like a inflatable ball that you lose at the beach.

“Um…Dan. I need to talk to you. Um… I don’t think you should be Adult B.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry....


	6. please, don't wear sleeves.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though Phil had just said he didn't want Dan in one part of his life, he took 'one part of his life' into something more. Now Dan is gone. and my gosh without Phil what is he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! TW TW TW FOR CUTTING AND DEPRESSION AND THE OTHER SHIT !!

“What…?” Dan swallowed, blinking away any tears.  
“I…I just…” Phil didn’t know how to say it. He was practically breaking up with his best friend. His only friend.  
He didn’t know how much he needed Dan until he was gone.

Even though Dan was being an asshole and ignorant, Phil loved Dan, and frankly, couldn’t live without him.

Dan knew though. Dan knew how much Phil meant to him. How he was losing him, it seemed like a simple ‘no,’ but it was much more than that. Even though Phil didn’t know it, he was saying goodbye to Dan.  
That’s not what he meant. But deep down inside, he knew what he was doing and how he had to do it.  
“Why…?” Dan’s voice was small and squeaky and on the verge of tears.  
“Um…Dan…firstly, you can cry in front of me. I know you hate it but you need to trust me. If we’re going to raise this baby together, we need trust…trust and honesty. Something we don’t have going on right now.” The first tears slipped out, burning down Dan’s skin like an awful sin. “I just can’t really trust you…we can still be friends.” Dan crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from Phil. “It’s for the better,” Phil whispered, it was clearly hurting him as much as it was hurting Dan.  
For the better. It’s for the better. The words fluttered around and it was true, it was for the better. Dan could get over his crush, Phil could raise the child a lot better without Dan in the way. “It’s for the better,” Dan replied before turning around and walking in the opposite direction of Phil. He returned home, tears streaming down his face and ran inside his room, locking the door behind him.  He slid down the door and buried his head into his knees. Sobs and cries erupted from him and echoed around his room. His room that still smelt like Phil. “Phil…” Dan sobbed, whispering it so that no one heard.  
Dan was never one for hopelessness but Phil was gone. There really wasn’t any point anymore. The more he thought about Phil the more he wanted him. And, oh god, he wanted him so bad. Like when you’re so hungry you become frustrated and angry just because you want something so much. He scrunched up his fisted and restrained himself from tearing down the walls. He was so angry. Angry with himself, angry with Phil, angry with his mother who knew fucking everything.  
Everything was falling apart and it was his entire fault. If had just kept quiet or better yet not get a fucking crush on his best friend he wouldn’t be in mess. Dan got up and thrashed his hand along his windowsill, snow globes and figurines falling to the ground.  
He wanted Phil so much it hurt.  
Glass from the snow globes cut his hand and smashed everywhere on the floorboards. Blood was coming from his hand and god, it hurt. Everything hurt and he wanted everything so badly to be okay. He held his hand tightly as he stumbled to his desk and leaning on it. He sat down on his chair and sobbed into his hands, blood smearing over his face and arms. His shoulders violently and he knew he would never be alright without Phil.  
“Phil…” The longing for Phil grew and he wanted any piece of him, his smell, his voice, his skin, his anything. Dan got up and stumbled over to his bed, he needed to smell Phil. Phil was on his bed and ne needed to go there. He would have made it quietly over if it weren’t for the giant piece of glass the got shoved up his foot. He screamed in pain as he fell onto his bed. He shuffled up the bed and saw the smudges of blood on his leg, on his bed, on everything. He screamed again. It hurt like hell.  
And everything went away. All there he felt was the searing pain coming from his foot and hand. Everything else had been forgotten, melted away, all the mattered was the pain coming from his foot.  
It wasn’t considered cutting since it was an accident, but it had the same effect.  
More.

How could he think about cutting when Phil had left him not even an hour ago? How could he be so pathetic? Dan started screaming more and more. The cut was to deep and the blood was to much. His vision started to go blurry and he felt  dizzy nauseous. He heard loud bangs on his door and someone begging him to open it. He didn’t though, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t walk.  
The cut was too deep.  
~  
In room 109 was a sleeping Dan with a plaster covering his foot, under the plaster was seventeen stitches.  
Phil wandered down the hallways, he would have been with his mother if she hadn’t been so disrespectful and just decided to clean instead. They’d had a bit of a disagreement before Phil decided to man up and come see Dan.  
~  
“Hi, Diane! How are you?” Phil answered the game, pausing his anime. “Yeah…wait, what? Oh my god! I- I- me and my mum will be right over…okay. Sure, bye.” Phil hopped up and ran into the kitchen, hastily grabbing his bag and jacket. “Mumm! Dan’s in hospital, we need to go!”  
“Sorry, I’ve got cleaning to do. I’m sure you could catch a train or something,” Ms Lester brushed off Phil’s worried state and continues to stack the dishwasher.  
“Mum! Dan’s in hospital! I repeat, Dan is in hospital. You can’t fucking go and wash dishes! Dan could have died! He lost so much blood,” Phil pleaded, angry at himself and at everything. Why were they both so angry?  
“I can’t, Phil,” Ms Lester said, walking over to Phil and patting his arm, Phil shrugged her off and walked out the door. “Go see your boyfriend who’s in desperate need of you! Sure, don’t help your own mother!” Ms Lester yelled sarcastically.  
This was his entire fault. If he’d just gone home with Dan this wouldn’t have happened. He’d be all right.  
~  
Phil opened the curtains to room 109. Inside Dan was sleeping and there was a bunch of flowers and balloons on one side of the bed, a chair on the other. Phil closed the curtains and sat awkwardly next to Dan.  
“I don’t really know why I’m here,” Phil whispered to himself. He sat there, looking at Dan and his plaster, for a couple minutes before the silence and guilt got to him and he burst into silent tears. “I’m so sorry, Dan. I’m sorry,” Phil whispered, taking a hold of Dan’s hands and looking down, thinking about what he’d done and how awful he was. He hated himself so much in that moment. So, so, so, goddamn much.  
“That’s what everyone says.” 

Phil looked up and saw Dan still sleeping in the exact position. Was that in his head? “And I know you hate me and probably disagree with me, but we can’t parent together. It…It’s for the better.” Phil cried again, not letting go of Dan’s hand. It’s for the better.  “Cause, y’know, I’ve got a secret too. And I’m being a complete hypocrite here, but…I can’t tell you. It’ll ruin us.” Phil laughed at how he put words together, how bad he was at it. How laughing is what we go to for when we don’t want to deal with our feelings.  
“I can’t. You think keeping secrets from each other will ruin us, but trust me, if you know, you’ll never look at me the same again. Can we just continue how we were before and just forget about this? Please?”

Phil remembered back to the time when Dan had used similar words a week ago.  
“I think I’m…queer. Something like that. And…maybe…in love with you? I don’t know how that was a question, I’m just glad I said it. I’m talking to you like you’re dead. You may as well be after what I did to you. We’ve been ass holes to each other, you’ve just not known how I’ve treated you. Maybe… I don’t know how we could fix this. I can’t forget that you’re keeping something from me, it’s different for me. I really can’t tell you. I guess it’s the same for you. I should really stop being stupid and contradicting myself in the same sentence. Please wake up. It’s so silent and eerie and I’m left alone with my own thoughts and it’s making me realize things I didn’t want to know. Please, wake up!” Phil yelled, letting go of Dan’s hand and standing up. “I don’t even know why I came. It’s just for the better if I stay away. Um…” Tears formed at Phil’s eyes before he choked out the rest of his sentence, “Love you. Goodbye, Dan.”  
~

“Dan, hey, Dan.” Dan woke an hour later when his nurse, Grace, came in and gave him painkillers. Dan rubbed his eyes, any sleep falling away.  
“Hey, Grace. Did anyone come in while I was asleep?” Dan asked, hopeful Phil had come in.  
“I don’t think anyone did, no. If someone did they would have been here for a short period of time.” Dan’s face fell, “Were you expecting anyone?”  
“No,” Dan lied. “Can I go home yet?”  
“Well, maybe. The glass cut across three quarters of your foot and cut three centimeters deep. It moved the bone in your foot inwards towards the middle of your foot. On top of that you lost so much blood. You’re much more pale. It’s going to take you a long time to build up your iron levels and heal your foot. I doubt it.” Dan frowned. “But…I’m sure you could go home for a visit. Got any pets?” Dan shook his head.  
“No.”  
“Why do you want to go home?”  
“The food sucks here and I hate being on this stupid cord. My brother Adrian took up basketball and we used to practice together, I miss that.” Grace smiled as she replaced the bag of vitamins and iron that was attached to a pole that hooked up to Dan’s blood stream.  
“Mm. You’re mum will be here soon. She’s bringing stuff for you. Music and stuff like that. I here you like Muse?”  
“I love Muse. And Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy. I am desperate for some tickets to see Fall Out Boy.” Dan distracted himself with light friendly conversation with Grace for the next hour while he waited for his mum.  
“I think someone’s here to see you!” Dan perked up and for a second he thought she meant Phil, but no, Diane opened the curtains and popped her head around.  
“Hello, Dan! Nice to see you, Grace,” Diane smiled. “Could you give us a moment?” Grace nodded and headed out of the room. Diane sat on the end of the bed and gave Dan a concerned look. She sighed, “Did Phil come?” Dan shook his head before looking down and fidgeting with the bed sheets. “Hm. Well, are you sure?”  
“I was asleep but Grace was making visits almost every ten minutes!”  
“So, he could have made a short visit?”  
“I guess. But why didn’t he wake me up?”  
“He would never do that. You’re sick and you need and rest. Phil wouldn’t disturb you for the world. He loves you,” Diane sighed, adjusting Dan’s hair. Dan batted away her hand before adjusting it himself. “You let Phil adjust your hair,” Diane commented.  
“That’s just because he knows what he’s doing. He has the same hair as mine, remember?” Diane nodded.  
“Of course,” Diane replied sarcastically.  
“Mum! That’s why!”  
“What about when he plays with your hair? No one else plays with your hair.”  
“What do you want? Seriously! What the fuck do you want from me? You’re trying to get Phil and I together after I’ve said NO! NO! I’ll say it again! No! No, no, no!” Dan yelled and sighed angrily. “You’re trying to set me up with someone who will just dump me for some other hot blonde! We’re only seventeen!” Before Dan could say anymore Ms Lester popped her worried face around the curtain.  
“Oh, hello, Sarah!” Diane covered up the rift in their conversation by sounding cheerful.  
“Hello, um… Is Phil here?” She asked, out of breath.  
“Um, no, sorry.”  
“Why? Is he okay?” Dan asked, worriedly.  
“I can’t find him! He said he was coming here! It’s been two hours and he’s still not home! He’s not answering his phone either! I’ve looked everywhere! Were is he?”  
~ Phil’s POV ~  
I knew I shouldn’t have gone. I just… I just wanted to know if Dan was okay. Didn’t get much out of him. I need to know how that happened. You don’t drop a glass it cuts you so much you get seventeen stitches. No. I ran up the steps to Dan’s front door. Diane would with be Dan and Dan’s dad is always working. Adrian is at basketball. I grabbed the spare key from under the ‘WELCOME’ mat, (obvious place, really,) and let myself in. It smelled the same, everything was the same. The was no glass on the floor anywhere, well not until I got to Dan’s room. The lock was broken and… I sucked in a breath. It was hideous.  
Blood.

There was blood everywhere. Along the windowsill, all over the floor, all over the bed, the blood made dizzy. How did this happen? Then I saw a Docter Who figurine lying next to my foot. I picked it up, the was blood on it, and now the blood was on m thumb. I walked closer, being careful of where I put my feet. Then I saw the big snow globe I got Dan for Christmas when I was eight. It was gigantic. The snowman inside was still glued onto the base but the glass keeping the snow and water in had shattered everywhere. Was it an accident that that snow globe was smashed? I couldn’t help but cry. I wished I didn’t, even though I was all alone, I felt stupid for crying. Was this how Dan felt when crying? Now I wished I hadn’t made him. The phone in my pocket vibrated. I knew it was my mum and didn’t bother answering it. What had I done? I knew that Dan had done that on purpose. The locked door… I grabbed Dan bloody bed sheets and hauled them into the laundry. I grabbed a wet cloth from the kitchen and wiped the blood away from his figurines and desk and windowsill before putting his bed sheets into the wash. I sat down on his bed and thought. I got up and wrote a on Dan’s homework before sticking it under the base of the snow globe and put on his desk.  
Phil was here. xx

Be strong.  
~  
“Sorry, we have no idea, right, Dan?” Diane was protecting Phil. Phil needed his own time.  
Diane knew fucking everything.

Dan nodded. “We’ll let you know if we find him,” Dan assured, Ms Lester.  
“Thank you! I’m just so worried about him. He got a girl pregnant! What next? Drugs?” Ms Lester laughed angrily. She walked out they both let out breath they didn’t realize they were holding.  
“Do you think they have cameras in here?” Dan asked. He had something on his mind that he knew would take the pain away.  
Phil hadn’t gone to see him, he hadn’t called, nothing. Ever since he had found out that Phil hadn’t come and obviously didn’t care, he felt every breath he took was painful and heart breaking. Like a knife had gone through his stomach and heart. “Nah! Oh! Were you thinking of? Oh, um. I’m going to get lunch then!” Diane looked startled and shaky and awkward.  
“Mum?”  
“Hm?”  
“I’m not trying to get off.” Diane looked a little relieved but still as awkward.  
“Okay. Um, do you want anything?” Dan shook his head and Diane left.  
“I’ll be back in thirty!” She called.  
Dan looked around for anything sharp, anything that could cut through skin. He found a pair of scissors that Grace used to cut open the packs on his drip. His couldn’t cut his wrist. He hiked up his dressing gown and exposed a bit of his thigh.  
Was he really going to do this? It had felt so good before. Yes. More.  
He got the scissors and cut across. No blood, but he’d broken the skin. He sucked in his breath as he cut across the same cut.  
Blood.

Blood trickled out and it just reminded him why he was doing this.  
Was it worth it? No.  
He threw the scissors across the room and clutched that part of his thigh. He cursed under his breath. He felt sick. He felt disgusting and pathetic. He burst into tears and clutched his thigh harder.  
‘I’m pathetic, I’m sick, I’m disgusting. I’m pathetic, I’m sick, I’m disgusting and weak. Weak.’

~  
Dan stayed there for another two days before he got let home. Diane was surprised when she saw the made bed and clean room.  
Must have been Adrian.  
Dan didn’t dare touch the broken snow globe that haunted him. That made him feel guilty and sad and angry. That reminded him of how pathetic he was.   
Dan went to school after two weeks after eating and sitting around and feeling depressed. After being pushed around a bit he finally made it to P.E. The only class he and Phil shared that day. Dan didn’t know even Phil would even look at him but just being in Phil’s presence made lovesick. Sad, but happy that the one thing he loved was happy.  
Was he happy? Was he really happy?  
Dan explained what had happened and Mr. Nomer and sat down on the side bench with the other emo kids sat who forgot their kits every other week.  
“Hey, Dan. Got those tickets yet?” Michelle asked him. She was the one who introduced him to My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy and until his feelings for Phil had appeared he had a massive crush on her. Dan shook his head.  
“I got a broken foot though.” Dan stared at her long sleeves, concealing her cuts. He knew she was cutting; he’d never really paid attention until now. It seemed so appealing now. He was snapped out of his gaze when Michelle brought a silver blade into sight.  
“Whatever’s going on, this will help.” Dan shook his head.  
‘Be strong.’

“How do you know…I’m…”  
“Depressed? It’s easy to spot when you know exactly what it looks like. What is it? Phil? He’d leave you for his pregnant slut of a girlfriend?”  
“Sort of.”  
“Got any long sleeves?” Dan took the blade and stuffed in into his uniform pocket. “Want to go out?” Dan looked confused.  
“What?”  
“I mean on a date. Do you want to go out sometime?” Dan thought about it.  
“Sure. Why bloody not!” Phil watched the whole thing. The blade, the smile the Dan had on. Dan looked up and found Phil standing still in the middle of a football field. They locked eyes before Phil was yelled at and was told to move on.  
~  
“Hey! Howell! Come sit with us!” Michelle yelled across the cafeteria. Dan limped he way over with crotches to help, to the emo table and sat next to Michelle. “This is Pete, that’s Gerard, that’s Frank and that’s Janice.” Across from him sat Gerard, a guy with black hair swept across him face and snakebites. Next to him was Pete, a guy with a shaved head and nose ring. Next to Gerard was Frank, a guy with a giant forehead and purple tips on his black hair.  
“You want to dye your hair, Dan?” Frank asked. They were all so much cooler than him. It was menacing and he tried to fit in as much as possible.  
“I’m thinking blue tips and snakebites.”  
“Blue tips?” Janice repeated, shocked. “Not on this table. Red strips.”  
“No, we could dye your hair black!”  
“No. No, no, no. Red strips.” Pete commented.  
“Maybe we should let Dan decide?” Michelle snapped. Pete ‘ooooh’ed before Dan nodded and decided on red strips.  
“Do you cut?” Gerard asked, suddenly interested as soon as he said he like MCR.  
“Um…” Dan looked at Michelle for help. Michelle nodded. “Yeah.”  
“Okay. What about drugs?” Frank looked up from his food that he’d hardly touched and looked at Dan with hopeful eyes.  
“No…” Michelle and Janice sighed, relieved that he hadn’t thrown away that much of his life.  
And here Dan sat with his ‘friends’ for months. Occasionally glancing at a very disappointed Phil who sat with the complete nerds.  
And months on end he cut. He wore sleeves over summer, even over the heat wave. He forgot about Phil eventually. Phil only rarely appeared in his dreams.  
Had he forgot about Phil? Not completely.  
The aching love for Phil still remained.  
~ Phil’s POV ~  
Don’t do it. Please don’t do it. Don’t take it.  
Please.  
Phil watched Dan take the blade and smile at Michelle before their eyes made contact.  
-  
Come over here. Sit with me.

Please.

“Hey! Howell! Come sit with us!”  
He watched Dan take a seat next to Michelle before their eyes made contact once again.  
-  
Don’t wear sleeves. Don’t cut.

Please.  
Dan walked into gym class wearing long black sleeves and red streaks running through his hair. Phil shared a disappointed look with Dan before talking to Jeremy.  
-  
No. No, please don’t. Don’t kiss her. She’s got you under a spell. Don’t.

Please.

He watched Dan press and open-mouthed kiss to Michelle’s lips before she tangled her hands in his hair.  
This time Dan looked at Phil. He mouthed ‘I’m sorry,’ at him.  
-  
Phil was confused at the thing Dan had done earlier today. They hadn’t spoken in four months. What was that all about? Phil thought about the incident through dinner and didn’t even pay attention to the letter that Ms Lester had put on his bed.  
It was from Indigo.  
Instead Phil sat down at his desk and tried to do his homework. Failing obviously. The incident bothering him.  
Dan didn’t care about him, right?

Phil had too. It was nerve wrecking, but he would thank himself later. Hopefully.  
~  
Phil walked up the empty driveway to Dan’s house. Nothing had changed. He hadn’t done this in so long. So, so, so long.  
Not since he’d left that note and cleaned Dan’s room. Had he received the note? Phil walked further up until he reached Dan’s bedroom window. He peered through and the site he saw was not what he expected.  
Dan was only in his underwear and face was in Michelle’s bare breasts. Phil ran and ran and ran, far, far away.  
And here he was thinking that Dan cared about but here Dan was, having sex with his girlfriend.  
~ Dan’s POV ~  
Two months. Dan and Phil hadn’t made eye contact in two months. They were strangers now.  
Unlike Diane and Ms Lester. The best of friends.  
Of course Diane was worried about Dan. She hated they way he treated people and the red in his hair. The bubblegum. She had refused to let him get snakebites no matter how much he pleaded.  
Had things gotten better since nine months ago?  
Dan had become cooler, Phil had gotten less cool, but he had actual friends, unlike Dan who didn’t give a shit about Michelle or any of his other friends.  
No matter popular or nerdy, Dan and Phil were strangers.  
And it didn’t even matter.  
Dan found himself thinking about boys while he got off, there was no change there, but they boys he thought about had black hair and a slim firgure. It didn’t take long for Dan to realize that he’d been thinking about Phil. He’d even caught himself staring at Phil’s but.  
Phil bloody screwed up this time.  
~  
“Hey! Let’s go to your house,” Michelle whispered, tugging on Dan’s tie. She kissed Dan again slipping her hand down to Dan’s crotch. Dan smirked and the both ran back to Dan’s house an hour before school ended. They snuck past Diane who was mopping the floor. Once inside Dan’s bedroom, Michelle had her hands all over Dan and her mouth around his cock.  
“Ahh, Phil…” Dan’s widened at his slip up and he looked down at Michelle. She either had chose to ignore it or just hadn’t heard it because she kept going, going deeper and sucking harder.  
“Oh my god!!” Diane yelled from the kitchen. Michelle looked around at the door to see it still locked. “She’s giving birth!? Oh my! Um, do need anything? I’ll be right over!” Diane continued.  
Phil’s child is being born.

Dan sat up and got off the bed.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Thinking,” Dan answered, slipping on some boxers and a long sleeved shirt.  
“I was blowing you!”  
“I need to think!” Dan snapped, running his hands through his hair. “Can you go? Go! Just get out!!” Dan yelled, throwing Michelle her clothes. Michelle ran out and back to god knows where. Dan sat down on his bed and buried his head in his hands.

I want to go. I need to go. Maybe it will be okay. Stop rising your hopes. But just maybe…maybe I could just say that I needed to see my mum and… Stop lying. You want to see Phil and his child. Shit! You’re stupid and a complete idiot.

Dan reached over to his bedside table and pulled out one of his blades. Cutting deeper than ever before, harder and more. Dan screamed and started crying. He started stabbing his arm with the blade, blood pouring out of arm. He screamed again, cutting further up his arm.  
“Dan!!” Diane screamed when she saw the blood and Dan. She ran over to Dan and grabbed the blade and threw it out of the room. Dan screamed again, sobbing and crying. Diane pulled him into a big hug kissing his hair repeatedly. “Dan…Dan, what did you do to yourself?” Diane rubbed Dan’s back. Dan kept screaming and crying, getting snot and tears all over Diane’s cardigan.  
“Mummy…please make it st-stop.” Dan tried to calm himself, taking deep breaths.  
“Oh, Dan. Diane sat up and kissed Dan’s forehead before bringing him into the bathroom. She washed Dan’s arms and got one of those big band aids and plastered one on each arm. “Don’t ever do that again. I never want to see that girl again, okay?” Dan nodded, wiping his arms. Diane gave Dan some tissues.  
“Um, when was the last time you spoke to Phil? Does Phil know about this?” Diane asked causing Dan to burst into tears again.  
“I haven’t spoken…to…him since…since…the weekend he stayed over when you went away for the night. He said he didn’t want me to be the other parent ‘cause I’m not telling him everything. Um…then I cut my foot and then…”  
“Dan… You and Phil have been friends since you were six. You can’t abandon friends because you’ve got a crush on them.”  
“But I didn’t abandon Phil-“  
“You could have given him a chance. You still could have been friends.”  
“I don’t have a crush on Phil. I have a girlfriend,” Dan protested.  
“I think you mean ex-girlfriend. Now, you’re going to have to come to the hospital with me. Put on some pants and give me all the sharp things in your bedroom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UM. you might be wondering if HSUTT has a happy ending.... maybe.


	7. Vulnerable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody's giving birth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW !! MENTIONS OF BLADES AND CUTS

Dan picked up all the sharp and blood stained blades from his room along with his scissors and Diane hid the knives. He wished that he didn’t have to do this. He had never pictured himself being like this. When he wanted to be ‘emo’ he pictured him being ‘addicted’ to drugs, but in the way that it was not life destroying. He wanted to be a cutter, but in the way it was painless and ‘cool.’ He wanted so badly to be kind of bubbly and dorky again, watching anime and playing Mario Kart. Now here he was, pain shooting up his arm, collecting and hiding all sharp things just incase he decided he wanted to die from self-hatred. Diane came back into the room and held her hands out to collect his blades. Dan handed them to her without making eye contact. 

“Um, I said I would go to the hospital with Sarah and I can’t leave you here alone. Can you please hop in the car? I’ll be there in two seconds,” Diane said softly, not wanting to sound angry or disappointed in Dan even though Dan already knew. Dan walked outside in to the cold winter air, not bothering with a jacket; hospitals are always the right temperature. 

“Alright! Lets go!”

They arrived at the hospital and didn’t waste anytime getting up to the second floor and into a small waiting room where Ms Lester, Indigo’s dad, Rachelle (the only person that still wanted to be friends with Indigo,) and Phil were seated on the soft blue chairs, waiting for Indigo and her baby. Diane took a seat on a couch next to Ms Lester. Dan followed, not looking at anyone. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Diane whispered to Ms Lester.

“Oh no, it’s fine, you didn’t miss a thing.” Dan looked don and fidgeted with his fingers and the hem of his shirt, trying to look invisible. 

“So, how are you feeling? How’s Phil?” Dan’s eyes shot up and looked at Phil, who was clearly staring at him.

“I’m actually quite worried about Phil… He’s so young to be a single father. I just wish there was someone else to help him. All his friends aren’t mature enough, Indigo just wants to get this over with and leave! Phil’s doesn’t really talk much anymore either. Or goes out of the house… How’s Dan?” Dan pretended not to hear and continued to play on his phone, secretly eavesdropping. 

First, there was silence. “Sarah, he’s not doing well… After Phil and him parted ways… I guess he just fell in with the wrong crowd. I don’t know what to do! He’s depressed, I don’t know what to say or to handle him! He’s been cutting for months. God! I should have just done something as soon as I noticed the sleeves and found the blades. I was just so shocked, I though he could handle it. And… Today… He came home early with this girl and I don’t know what they did in his room but she left in a hurry after I heard shouts- just after I spoke to you. Then I hear cries and screams coming from Dan’s room,” Diane pauses to wipe her eyes, “And there he was, blood running down his arm. He could of died… It was awful!” Diane cried. Dan looked up over to Phil and saw he was looking at Diane and Ms Lester’s conversation on the verge of tears. Dan affected everyone, the opposite of what he was aiming for. When cutting your hurting yourself not others. How did he get himself into this mess? He screwed up this time. 

“Alright! Our little baby boy has been born!” A nurse announced and Indigo’s parents stood up immediately. “Come through! Just be very quiet.”

“C’mon, Phil.” Diane held Phil froze and his breathing quickened. 

“I can’t… No…” Phil shook his head. “You go in… I’ll stay here… Please… No! No!” Ms Lester started pulling Phil upwards but he wouldn’t budge. “I can’t! Please, just go! I’ll be there! Please!” Ms Lester stopped and motioned for Diane to follow her into the room. It was just Dan and Phil and silence. Phil sniffed and wiped his eyes before giving in and crying. He brought his knees up to his chest and sobbed into them, his shoulders shaking. Dan looked him with sympathy. He couldn’t be that much of an asshole? And then Dan realized… He was such an asshole. He wandered over to Phil and sat next to him, giving him a big hug. Phil felt warm and at ease in Dan’s warm embrace. Phil clung tightly onto Dan.

Back to square one.

“I’m sorry…” Dan cried, his tears falling onto Phil’s big head. “So, so, so fucking sorry. I’m an asshole and an idiot and I treated you so badly and I didn’t even give you a chance and I’m so fucking sorry.” Dan rambled. Phil only cried harder, but it was good, it was better. Dan had said what he had said, but it didn’t make his crimes any less forgivable. 

“Can we go somewhere else?” Phil said, needing to get away from his responsibilities and just let out in front of the person he loves most. Dan held Phil’s hand and took him to a small empty room that looked like it wasn’t going to be used anytime soon. They both sat on linoleum floor, Phil leaning into Dan’s chest. “Wh-why? Why did you leave?” Phil asked after a couple of minutes. 

Dan sighed, “Because I felt vulnerable. And scared, and I was just being an asshole. I’m really sorry, Phil.” Dan kissed Phil’s head. 

“Vulnerable?”

“You feel vulnerable when you’re in love,” Dan whispered.

~  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you mean dan almost died........ ................. also i wrote this a couple months ago this is so cringey


	8. Blood Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan loses too much blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW FOR MENTIONS OF DEATH AND BLOOD

Wait, _what_?

“And you’re okay?” Phil asked. Dan stared at Phil in shock. 

_What?_

“Dan? Did I do something wrong?” 

“Um… No, no. It’s nothing,” Dan reassured, but really, he was the one who needed reassuring. Dan had told Phil he loved him and he just moved on? What?

~ Phil’s POV ~

How was I so weak? I couldn’t even go and see my own child! Now here I am, trying my hardest not to cry in front of my ex-best friend. He probably didn’t care about me! Probably all he thought about was his slutty girlfriend. The tears were pooling at my eyes and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t cry in front of Dan. There was no way! 

Tears slipped out of my eyes and brought my knees up to my chest, hoping it would muffle and stop my sobs from echoing around the room. I gave it and I felt my shoulders start to shake. I felt so alone and scared and there was a baby in the next room, my baby in the next room. I just wanted something, anything to take my mind of my child and oh god, Dan’s probably filming me or something like that. More sobs spilled out and I could feel wet patches of my tears through my jeans. Then everything slowed, everything stopped and became warm, I was still crying but my muscles were not tense nor my brain thinking beyond it’s limit. Then I realized: Dan was hugging me. I threw my arms around him, thinking before acting. I remembered Dan was a horrible person and took my arms away, but I was unable. Dan’s grip was so tight on me I couldn’t not melt into him. I felt completely at ease in his hug and I swear my heart grew bigger when I felt his tears and kiss on my head. I knew I would be expected to go in soon and if I didn’t then they would come out and see me crying and Dan actually being nice and I knew that Dan would not want that, so I whispered, (it was supposed to be louder,) “Can we go somewhere else?” Dan agreed and moments later we were sitting down in an empty room talking. Well, first there was silence and frankly, I liked it. Feeling the warmth radiating off Dan, his steady breathing calming down. First it was bliss, and then the wave of questions came. It was hard to tell them apart of really decipher any but at least one blurted out, “Why? Why did you leave?” My voice was shaky and his reply was so delayed I thought he didn’t hear me. 

“Because I felt vulnerable. And scared, and I was just being an asshole. I’m really sorry, Phil.” He kissed my head again and I really wanted to forgive him, but I couldn’t, not after what he did. Not after months and months of hurt and being an ass. 

“Vulnerable?” I knew. I knew what he would say, I knew the answer. I didn’t want to believe this truth; I didn’t want this truth, not this answer. 

“You feel vulnerable when you’re in love with someone.” I felt Dan suck in a breath and his muscles tense, waiting for rejection. When you think about it, what is rejection? Is rejection when you say it or when you mean it and it’s not just a lie? If that would be the second one then it wouldn’t really be rejection if I just ignore Dan’s confession? Or was it just a jerk move? Or both? Phil just ignored it, along with his feelings for Dan. 

“And you’re okay?” I asked. I looked up at Dan whose eyebrows were furrowed and a shocked look painted his face. “Dan? Did I do something wrong?”

“Um… No, no. It’s nothing! I’m fine, thanks for asking.” I looked down at Dan’s arms that were slunk around my waist and saw the white fabric peeking out of his sleeves then back around at his smiling face. Gee, he was good at covering up shit. I tugged his sleeves down and revealed his bloody bandages. 

“Dan? You’re not okay,” I breathed. I knew they were there but it was still a shock. How did my bubbly, dorky Dan turn into this broken person. Dan looked down in shock. “Dan?” I repeated getting worried. 

“They’re…they’re so bloody…I- I didn’t know… I didn’t know it was this bad, it hurts…” 

~ 3rd Person ~

Dan was done with crying, he was over being weak and sad and for once he wanted to man up and not cry about some cuts. But the cuts meant much more than the physical pain, it was the mental and emotional pain that made the inevitable tears spill out.

“Oh, Dan.” Phil pulled him onto his lap and traced patterns onto his arm. 

“I don’t feel good…” Dan’s head was hurting and he felt dizzy. He went pale and struggled to keep conscious. He leaned on Phil, feeling nausea and the blood from his arm soaking his sleeves and bandages. 

“Dan! Dan! Please stay with me, stay awake! Please, Dan,” Phil’s voice croaked, small and busted from all the crying. What if his voice wasn’t enough?

_Blood loss._

_1\. (Pathology) profuse bleeding from ruptured blood vessels_  
2\. a steady or severe loss or depletion of resources, staff, etc  
~

“Here we are again,” Phil whispered to Dan’s sleeping body. He looked down at the sleeping baby, (at last,) and then back up at Dan. It was like a puzzle, and Phil had just put the pieces together. Dan needed that baby, almost as my much as that baby needed Phil. Dan was meant to raise that child and deep down, Phil knew he would be great at it. “I was just thinking… Maybe… I don’t know if you have changed or not… Maybe you never did… But, I think you should be dad number two.”

“It sounds great,” Dan whispered. Phil looked up and saw Dan patting his knee. 

“Do I have a nice knee?” was all Phil could say, as he was a bit shocked. The pair broke into laughter and Phil turned pink. “Um… It sounds great?”

“The whole thing,” Dan smirked. 

“Are you sure?”

“I’ll be sure when you let me hold the baby!” Phil smiled, Dan was back. He handed the baby to Dan and his face melted. “Awww! My god, Phil!”

“It’s a he,” Phil told him. Dan smiled and shuffled over in his single bed and motioned for him to join him. Phil slid in next to Dan, they both had no idea how the both of them stayed on but anyway…

“He’s gorgeous,” Dan commented. He looked back up at Phil, their faces inches apart. Dan breathed in Phil’s scent, happy that he could smell and feel Phil again. “I’ve missed you,” Dan confessed, and for once, he had swallowed his pride.

Phil smiled, “I’ve missed you too. Um… Dan. Are you okay? How are you arms?”

“Well, I almost died… They’re fine, I’m just worried about what my mother and the doctors will do about them… Where they’ll send me.”

“Oh, Dan. I won’t let them take you anywhere, you’re staying right next to me.” Phil wrapped an arm around Dan’s waist and his head fell upon his shoulder. “And, you’re okay? Mentally?”

“Now that you’re here nothing could be better,” Dan replied, kissing Phil’s cheek. Comfortable, beautiful, peaceful silence fell among the three and in that moment, Dan would’ve been happy if time froze in that moment. 

“Do you love me?” Phil asked after a while, scared of the answer. 

“In all ways possible,” Dan replied, not a hint of doubt in his voice or in that moment, in him.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, but at least i posted a chapter right after the other one.


	9. finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan and phil do smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm kinda bad at smut

“You’ve ignored me once, don’t do it again,” Dan said firmly, taking all the courage and resistance he had to not kiss Phil right then and there.  
“Are you saying I need to say something amazing and inspirational?” Phil asked, thinking back to when Dan said things that went back to Phil and his mistakes.  
“Not necessarily say something…” Dan trailed off, leaning in towards Phil, his familiar breath ghosting over Phil’s lips. Phil did something that Dan was too afraid to do. Phil looked into Dan’s eyes and pressed his soft lips against Dan’s. Dan smiled into the kiss and Phil followed. Dan didn’t want to move. He didn’t care about the nurses and his family walking past. Just as Dan brought his hand up to Phil’s neck he broke away and hopped off his bed. Dan was confused and the first thoughts that struck him were thoughts of being unwanted but it all became clear when Janice, Gerard, Pete and Frank walked in with Michelle trailing loosely behind. Phil slowly walked out holding his head down.   
“Hey…” Dan whispered, scared.  
“So… You got caught?” Frank asked, looking disappointed.  
“I’m glad I did. I almost died…”  
“Lucky,” Gerard commented.  
“I’d kill love to be dead right now…little shit!” Michelle sobbed, stepping through the others. “I thought we were together? Now you’re fucking gay?!” She yelled, anger coursing through her. Emos have feeling too. The others made room for the seventh person walking into the room. It was Grace, the nurse.  
She took hold of Michelle’s arm and led her out of the room before saying, “I suggest you all get out of here and get some therapy or counseling.” The group walked out of the room leaving Grace and Dan all alone. “Are you okay?” she asked.  
“Ummm. Things are a bit confusing and some things need sorting out but… Well something just came up and that thing is really great and possibly the best thing ever…” Dan blurted.  
“You mean that Phil boy? He’s a handsome one, lucky.” She smiled and left me alone. After a second Phil peered around the corner smiling. I motioned for him to come over and he ran over, smiling so beautifully. He instantly kissed me passionately with my hands on his jaw line.  We pulled away after not long enough, panting and staring into each other’s eyes.  
“Can you go home yet?”  
“We’ll have too, I’m not having sex here,” Dan joked, slightly meaning it.  
“Dan!” Phil squeaked.  
“Oh, come on! Stop faking your innocence, I know you want it!”  
“Dan, we just starting dating like ten minutes ago, slow down.” Dan pouted before being overpowered by Phil’s glistening eyes and smiled.  
“We’re more than dating, Phil. You’re my best friend.” They both smiled and kissed again just before Dan’s mum walked in. As soon as Dan met her eyes they were filled to the brim with tears.  
“Mum,” Dan whispered before Diane stumbled towards Dan and hugged him tightly. After a while she broke the hug and put a small card on the end of bed. “What’s that?”  
“Um… Counseling,” Diane got out, managing not to cry.  
“Do I have too?” Dan asked, trying his hardest not to have a breakdown in front of Phil and his mum.  
“No… I can’t force you into anything. No, no. Um, you can come home, but you’ll be under supervision at all times.” Diane brought her handkerchief up to her tear-stained face and wiped away the tears that had started to fall. Dan looked down and fidgeted with his bare, pale hands and wished that he hadn’t been so stupid, he wished that he could keep his tears and emotions under wraps and hidden away. He just wished he just wasn’t so goddamn vulnerable. He throat is closed and he can’t swallow, he can’t speak, god, he can’t do anything because the feeling of being sorry and scared and the want for everything to be okay is choking his head, his scars, his cuts, screaming, his face is burning and doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know where to go. His heart slows down and he feels a warmth spread through him, not making him relax but at least his mind is slowing down so he can see, and what he sees first is Phil’s hand squeezing his own, and he takes a deep breath and looks up at Phil who is so calm and lovely. In that moment Dan has one thought: I need him.

~  
The car journey home was silent, awkward and sad. The cloud that floated above their heads stopped the chatter, it stopped the smiles and it stopped everything. The car journey was endless and restless and painful. His cuts were still stinging and Phil still hadn’t let go. Dan couldn’t bare to think about Phil letting go. They arrived at Dan’s place and his room was so different. Everything had changed. There was a little cot in the corner that was baby blue, everything was cleaner and much better and he didn’t know how much a clean room could do. Was it only forty minutes ago that Dan was drowning in his own sorrow and loss? Phil’s hand was still clamped shut and tight around Dan’s hand. His dad approached Dan from behind and kissed his head.  
“My son is growing up way to soon, but I thought I’d help.” Dan’s dad was never there, and now he’d done this for Dan it meant so much.  
“Thanks, Dad.”  
“Now, I think you want some time with Phil, you’re together after all!”  
“I NEVER SAID THAT IT WAS OFFICIAL! I JUST SAW THEM KISSING!” Diane shouted, hurrying towards Mr. Howell who had slipped up.  
“It’s okay,” Dan assured. “Am I correct, Phil?” Dan asked for confirmation, not wanting to do something without Phil’s consent. Phil nodded sweetly and moved his hand from Dan’s, up his arm and around his waist, pulling him closer.  
“Well, me and your mum are going to dinner with Sarah… We’ll talk about things. It’s probably you’re last night together without a little crying beast in your hands so make the most of it! Bye, Phil, see you later, Dan.” The pair walked out the door, leaving Dan and Phil all alone, just like that night, the night where they were blind. The night they kissed.  
“Dan… I love you,” Phil whispered in Dan’s ear, tackling him to the couch. Dan squealed and started tickling Phil, earning laughter from him. Phil switched their positions from Dan on top, to Phil pinning him down. Phil started kissing down Dan’s neck as well as tickling his sides, not realizing that his neck was…sensitive.  
“Aaah! Phil, stop!” Dan shouted, feeling a rush of energy run down south. Dan whimpered under the uncontrollable laughter. “Please! Phil!” Dan yelled, squirming and struggling Phil who was moving his hands up onto Dan’s belly. “Phil,” Dan almost moaned. He blushed but Phil seemed to not notice and continued to kiss and suck on Dan’s neck. Dan, with his semi-hard dick, hooked one of his legs around one of Phil’s, allowing Dan’s cock to gently rub against Phil’s thigh, relieving Dan and causing pleasure to course through him. Phil laughed when he felt Dan doing this and pealed away and moving off Dan and running off to the bedroom. Dan was confused at first but then quickly followed Phil. He entered his bedroom to find Phil sitting on his bed, waiting.  
“Somebody’s got a boner!” Phil giggled, staring at Dan’s bulging crotch.  
“Shut up! It’s your fault!”  
“Is it now?” Phil asked, slowly crawling along the bed, towards Dan. “Would you like me to help you out with that? Maybe I could suck you off?” Dan was drooling at the thought, the image of Phil taking him all in, Dan hitting the back of his throat. Dan stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do, all he knew was he was extremely turned on and wanted Phil badly. Phil hopped off the bed and slowly walked towards Dan, each step agonizing. Phil kissed Dan slowly, inching his hand down from his waist to his crotch. Phil ghosted his hand over Dan’s clothed dick and slowly started to palm him. Dan moaned into the kiss, noticing how fast Phil had changed his mood- giggly to something that could make Dan whimper and moan. Their kissing got more heated and soon Phil was unbuttoning Dan’s jeans, watching Dan inch his hips closer to Phil’s touch. Phil broke away and carefully took off Dan’s shirt not so swiftly, it getting caught in every place. When Dan’s shirt was finally removed Phil inched Dan jeans and boxers lower so they slung around his things. “You sure?” Phil asked, tracing patterns on Dan’s thigh. Dan nodded furiously before removing Phil’s shirt, revealing they whitest of white coloured chest. “Ready?” Phil slowly pumped Dan’s dick, setting Dan at bliss.  
“Yes,” Dan panted in anticipation. He’d never done this before, he hardly done anything with a guy apart from the terrible sex with his old boyfriend Isaac last year. It’d been awful and he didn’t even get- stop. Think about Phil. Phil who was now licking strips up and down Dan’s cock. Phil took in the head of Dan’s dick and Dan sucked in a breath. “Phil,” the words flew out of his mouth without hesitation. Phil licked at Dan’s slit and Dan moaned. He took more of Dan in, hollowing his cheeks out and sucking. “More,” Dan panted. Phil took him almost all the way, stroking the length he couldn’t. “Fuck!” Dan moaned as soon as Phil sped up. Phil looked up at Dan with glassy eyes and hummed. “Mmm, don’t stop.” Dan threaded his hands through Phil’s hair and inched him closer to the base. Tightness formed in his lower stomach. “Close.” Dan forced Phil lower onto his cock and soon he was hitting the back of Phil’s throat. Phil gagged around Dan and Dan moaned again, finding it hard to stand up. Dan felt himself on edge and pulled Phil off just before coming, his cum spurting over Phil’s nose and inside his mouth. “Fuck!” Phil stood up and wiped Dan’s cum off his face and licked off his finger.  
“Mmm,” Phil smirked and kissed Dan. “Good?”  
“Perfect.” Dan unbuttoned Phil’s pants and slipped his hand beneath them, stroking Phil’s now hard cock.  
“Dan! You don’t need to do that,” Phil panted.  
“What are you talking about?” Dan smiled. Phil threw his head onto Dan’s shoulder. He moaned and gripped onto Dan’s waist. Phil looked up at Dan and kissed him again, wrapping his arms around his neck. They kissed sloppily while Dan flicked his wrist up and down Phil’s length, earning heavy breaths and occasional groans. Phil bit down on Dan’s neck as he felt his stomach grow tighter. It had only been less than a day and they were getting each other off. Young love…more like teenage hormones. Phil took one of his hands around to rest on Dan’s still bare bum.  
“Yeah,” was all Phil could say as he climaxed over his underwear and Dan’s hand, Phil squeezed Dan’s bum as he did. Tired, Dan left his hand over Phil’s cock. Eventually Dan took his hand away and wiped on a spare towel from ages ago. Dan took his jeans off and left his boxers on before collapsing onto his bed.  
“This,” Phil said, gesturing around his cum stained crotch, “Feels horrible. Can I borrow some underwear?” Dan nodded, admiring the view of Phil’s bare ass before boxers covered it up.  
“Come ‘ere,” Dan whispered, staring at Phil. Admiring the way his eyes glistened in the last light of the day before the sun set. A soft crown of light ran across Phil’s messy hair and he truly looked angelic. Phil crawled along the Bed into Dan’s arms, being cautious and trying not to touch Dan’s bandaged arms.  
“I love you,” Phil whispered as he settled on Dan’s arms. Dan hummed and kissed Phil’s cheek before whispering a soft ‘Love you too,’ back. Phil’s head settled on Dan’s upper arm while his left arm scooted under Dan and wrapped around Dan’s waist. Dan placed an arm over Phil stomach and held his close. Soft warmth spread through the two and Dan felt happier than he had in his entire life.  
~  
The rustling and shuffling next to him of Phil getting up waked Dan. Had he fallen asleep?  
“Where are you going?” Dan asked, his voice croaking from his heavy sleeping.  
“Hungry, we went to sleep at six and now it’s three am!” Phil slowly crept down the hallway and inspected the contents of the fridge. Dan groaned, he wasn’t tired- he just wanted Phil again. Dan slowly stood up, being careful of his ‘slow blood’ that seemed to humiliate him every assembly. He noticed the green note stuck on his bedside table that seemed to have hardly readable handwriting on it. Dan turned the bedside light on and carefully read the note.  
 _You guys are too cute!_

_Look in the cot! Be careful not to wake him! Love you, Diane._

A wave of excitement rushed though Dan, a baby!? Dan padded over to the cot and saw the beautiful, sleeping angel. It was wrapped in a green blanket and it seemed not to be waking. Dan slowly picked up the sleeping angel and held it in his arms. The baby’s skin was so soft and lovely, its little face had no hair on it. It was so small and cute. Tears pricked at Dan’s eyes. Dan stood there admiring the small being, memorizing its every movement. Eventually Phil slowly crept into the room and saw Dan, watery eyes and all, cradling the baby. Phil put the two bowls of cereal down on the desk with a loud clunk. Dan looked at Phil and then at the baby with worry, not wanting it to wake up. It woke up.  
“Phil!” Dan whispered as the baby opened its eyes. A loud screeching noise tumbled out of its mouth and it started crying.  
“Sorry, sorry,” Phil apologized, walking over to the baby and Dan. Phil stood so close to Dan that their foreheads touched and they could feel each others breathing- it would have been a euphoric moment if the baby wasn’t crying. Dan gave the crying beast to Phil and it immediately started to calm down.  
“Why won’t it calm down when I’m holding it?” Dan sulked.  
“It will one day, Dan. It takes time. But for now, I’ll just have to be with you all the time just incase he starts crying again.” Phil put the baby back down and resumed his position with Dan- foreheads touching, arms slunk around each other and every breath bouncing off the other’s skin.  
“Sounds like a plan,” Dan whispered, breathless. Phil kissed Dan a couple times before settling down on the floor and ate their cereal.  
~ _a year later_ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really really want to be good at smut.... not just going to practice smut rn...no....


	10. The Story of how Daddy and Papa met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS FINISHED YAYAAAYAYYA AND I POSTED TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY

The incessant and loud crying had woken him up, whether Phil was there or not. It was one of those nights where Phil wasn’t there, so the baby crying wasn’t really a nuisance, just someone to remind him Phil would come back. Because Phil would, but the question would come his was always a ‘maybe?’ Phil had gone to see Indigo, everyone else could see why he had too except for Dan, she left him, and he was with Dan now. He didn’t need to go anywhere. And the fact Phil had extended his time with Indigo by a week worried him.  
“Shh,” Dan cooed, slowly rocking the baby- well, nearly toddler. “Papa isn’t here, he will be back. He will,” Dan said, more for himself instead of the baby. “Kael, shh.”  
“Papa?” Kael stopped crying as soon as he heard ‘Papa.’  
“He went to see Gogo.” Dan though names like this to be stupid, ‘Gogo.’ Surely Kael could understand what Indigo meant. ‘Gogo’ made her seem nice, sure, she still cared about Kael, but Dan was still hella jealous and couldn’t forgive her for trying to get Phil back. “He will be back in the morning. But, Dad’s here.”  
“Papa!” Kael reached out behind Dan, making grabby hands at nothing.  
“No, it’s only Dad…” Dan finished his sentence with a frown. A warm pair of hands brushed on his lower back and around his waist.  
“Hello,” Phil whispered in Dan’s ear.  
“Phil,” Dan breathed, turning around, a little bit more happy than he was two seconds ago.  
“I’m so tired. Sleep,” Phil whispered, flopping down on Dan’s bed.  
“Sleepy time now,” Dan said, putting Kael back before rolling onto the bed next to Phil. “You’re back in the middle of the night? I thought you would leave in the morning?” Dan questioned but there was no point really as Phil was already half asleep.  
“I love you,” Phil muttered. And it wasn’t much of a answer but it made Dan feel loved and suddenly at home. This was his place, right here, next to Phil.  
~  
Dan woke up expecting the horrible feeling to be stuck in his stomach whenever Phil was gone, but instead he felt warmth. And when he opened his eyes- before he opened his eyes- he knew Phil was there. He shuffled over into Phil’s arms and kissed up his neck.  
“Mmm,” Phil hummed, “Hello.” Phil shuffled down so e take I proper look at Dan’s perfect face. “I love you so much. I don’t love anyone else except you. You are mine and I am yours. I want that to be the clearest memory in my head, of us.”  
“Where did that come from?” Dan asked, still a bit sleepy.  
“Indigo… She wanted to get back together… She… I turned her down, obviously. But, god. I just… I love you so much. And Kael. But you, you are so beautiful.” Dan blushed and kissed Phil one more time before giving him a plain, big hug.  
“Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you too, and Kael.”  
~ seven years later ~  
“DAD!” Kael yelled, running down the hallway and then jumping onto Dan’s lap. “Look! I got homework!” Kael showed off, not getting Dan’s attention that was turned to his computer. “Dad,” Kael moaned. Dan just pushed Kael away and continued going through Tumblr. He was twenty-four now, shouldn’t he have something better to do? Kael pouted before he was scooped by Phil and onto his lap.  
“Is Dan not paying attention to you?” Phil asked and Kael nodded.  
“I was going to show him my homework!” Kael groaned, flailing his small piece of paper around.  
“You’ve never gotten homework before! Can I see?”  
“I’ll read it out,” Kael said proudly. “Writing and Illustrating! Please write out and illustrate one of the following things: How your parents met slash got together, a time when you moved house,” Kael, stopped as he noticed Dan and Phil kissing. “Ew!” Dan and Phil giggled and Dan sat down next to Phil who had Kael in his lap. “Dad!” Kael squealed and scrambled over and into Dan lap, throwing his small arms around him. “I got homework! I have to finish reading it out! A time when you lost something REALLY important or the first time you did something IMPORTANT! I already know what I’m doing!”  
“What are you doing?” Dan asked, patting Kael’s back.  
“HOW YOU GOT TOGETHER!” Kael shouted. “Can you tell me, pleeeeease?” Dan looked up at Phil, corcerned but Phil just giggled.  
“That was back in high school. And that point in my life… Those nine months were not… pleasant. Maybe you could chose a different one?” Dan persuaded Kael, not want to relive those memories.  
“I’ll choose a different one if you tell me?”  
“Dad, doesn’t like thinking about back then, Kaely,” Phil explained, petting his hair. Phil gave Dan’s hand a quick sueeze.  
“But pleeeeease. I want to know! Was it because Dad and you are bisexual?” Dan and Phil had taught Kael about all the sexualities when he was little.  
“Um, no. You’re dad and I weren’t friends for a bit.”  
“And I became a little depressed, but I’m okay now.”  
“I’m really sorry, Dad.” Kael hugged Dan and then Phil before setting the piece of paper down on the coffee table.  
“Love you, little chickpea.” Dan smiled. Phil reached over to Dan and pecked him on the cheek before turning on the telly again.  
“I love you too! But the telly is on so shhhhh.” Kael groaned.  
Phil shuffled closer to Dan and kissed him before whispering, “Thank you for being brave and being mine. You were vulnerable and you hated it, but now look. God I love you. Want to have sex tonight?”  
~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehehehehe bye guys I'm posting more phanweek stuff so cool yeah. after the Phandom Little Pop I'm think of writing a really really really long fic. like over 100k words. so look out for that.


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